I hope you are ready, because this one is going to be quite different (part comedy, part philosophy, much like the subject himself)! I cannot even recall the first time I met Clément (some of my friends call him Petit Clément because we have another friend called Clément who is Grand Clément; I like to call him Clementino). I do remember that we met through common friends. He was in the department where I did my PhD, but he had left by the time I began. It was a tight group that was kind enough to let me in. Clément lives just around the corner from me, which means I often bump into him in the most unexpected places. He’s got this delightful eccentricity about him that makes every encounter feel like a little adventure. It’s hard not to want to be friends with someone like that. But I’m guessing the title has already sparked your curiosity, so let’s dive in.
Notes App Confessions
Have you ever found something so oddly specific, so random, so small that it annoys you way more than it really should? Well Clément has made an art of it.
About 5 or 6 years ago, a close friend of his was seeing a therapist. The therapist had suggested an exercise: make a list of everything that triggers you, in hopes of spotting patterns and working through them. Clément, on the other hand, decided to take the idea and run in his own direction. He opened up his Notes app and began his very own “Trigger List.” Not a therapeutic one, but an ironic, tongue-in-cheek version that he’s been curating ever since.
The very first entry on his list is people who don’t understand the list, and the most recent one, number 295 (added this past July), is administrative paperwork written in the first person. The list has grown into a wonderfully eclectic mix: some items are petty, some strangely precise, and some even Clément admits are completely irrational.
And yet, the beauty of it is how revealing it’s become. What started as a private joke has turned into a surprisingly honest portrait of the little things that drive him mad – and, in its own way, a very Clément kind of autobiography. What started as a joke quickly took on a life of its own. The list became a small legend among our friends – a guaranteed source of laughter and conversation fodder at any after-work hangout. Someone inevitably asks, “So, Clément, what’s new on the list?” and off we go, dissecting the latest additions like literary critics of his petty grievances.
The earlier entries are by far the most “triggering.” Some still make him visibly twitch; others are just there for the irony. Two consecutive items capture this perfectly:
– Players who exaggerate complaints to the referee in football (actually triggering)
– The referee (the joke).
He insists the list isn’t about specific people, unless they’re public figures. Andrew Tate, for example, is the only one who makes two appearances (one of them in all caps).
I asked him for his “Top Five Most Triggering” and it reads like a work of modern absurdism:
- Hawaiian pizza (I think most of us can agree with this one)
- Local political party MCG (a right-wing populist political party in the Canton of Geneva)
- Things that say stuff like “the price is intelligent” – anthropomorphizing prices is unforgivable in Clément’s eyes
- Being forced to do team-building exercises
- Avatar, the movie (he found it wildly overhyped)
But the Trigger List is only one of Clément’s many lists. He’s a chronic cataloguer – including a top-20 movies list that I’ve been making my way down. The Trigger List just happens to be his most famous.
A sampling from the archives
Every so often, Clément shares a few new gems from the ever-growing archive, and they never disappoint. Here’s a small selection (all written by him, with a few of my own thoughts added in).
No. 7. Those who film the entire concert: why experience a moment when you can record it badly and never watch it again? (I should admit I am guilty of recording my favourite songs at concerts)
No. 9. Free climbing: why risk your life to prove you hate ropes?
No. 21. Conspiracy theorists: people who see secret patterns in clouds and think the government cares about their toaster
No. 54. The word “trigger”: the ouroboros of the list itself, doomed to be both subject and object
No. 62. Black Friday (and Cyber Monday): capitalism’s annual hunger games, where people fistfight over discounted air fryers that were over-priced in the first place
No. 78. People who think there are “Alpha” males: Darwin spinning so fast in his grave he’s generating renewable energy
No. 121. Flat Earthers: if the Earth was flat, wouldn’t someone have fallen off it by now?.
And then there are the ones I personally can’t help nodding along to:
No. 140. Those who use football pitches as a unit of measurement: when did we suddenly all become land surveyors?
No. 150. Waiting in line: for me it’s just waiting for things generally, especially to cross the road when I’m in a hurry
No. 166. Toilet paper the wrong way: nothing more needs to be said
No. 183. Texting: I can confirm Clément is terrible at it; he just doesn’t respond. Messages to Clément are like throwing paper planes into a void.
No. 184. People who think Swiss cheese has holes: but also, what really is Swiss cheese? We have a lot of different types of cheese made here in Switzerland.
No. 205. “Eat fondue? But it’s July!”: as a mega fondue lover, I wholeheartedly agree: let me eat it when I want to
Each line feels like a tiny window into Clément’s mind: half complaint, half existential observation. Together, they form a portrait of someone who’s equal parts amused and bewildered by the world.
The man behind the list
I don’t want you to think Clément is just a professional complainer, because he is far from it. A true Carougeois, born and raised in Carouge, he’s also had the pleasure of having me as his neighbour for many years now. His mother is Italian, and he carries all the warmth and passion that come with that. He had, as he puts it, “a great childhood, wouldn’t change a thing,” though his parents did separate when he was eleven. He’s one of those people who seems genuinely happy most of the time: easy-going, joyful, and quick to laugh. The list isn’t bitterness, it’s just his way of channelling life’s tiny irritations into comedy.
Before becoming a teacher, Clément actually started a PhD in Neuroscience. Two years in, he realized something important: he didn’t want his career to be in Neuroscience or academia. He wanted to stay close to science, but as a spectator rather than an actor; someone who enjoys learning and explaining rather than publishing papers about it.
Teaching had always been the obvious path, even if he didn’t know it at the time. Back in the lab, whenever high school students came for short internships, Clément was the one who volunteered to look after them. He had a gift for making complex things sound simple, and for making people care.
He himself cares less about grades than about whether his students enjoy learning. The moments that stay with him are when they tell him they decided to study biology because of him. One of his favourite stories from teaching is about a student who, at the start of the year, couldn’t have cared less about biology. But over the months, something shifted – not suddenly, but gradually, almost imperceptibly. By the end of the year, the same student was actually excited to learn. When Clément later asked him what had changed, the student said, “At the beginning, I wasn’t interested in biology.” For Clément, that was the best compliment he could have received. One that wasn’t rooted in performance or grades, but awakening curiosity.
The birth of my Anti-Trigger list
After years of hearing about Clément’s ever-expanding Trigger List, I started to wonder what the opposite might look like. If his list was a running inventory of modern absurdities, what would a list of small joys look like? One evening (probably after he’d shared some new entry that made me both laugh and despair for humanity), I opened my own Notes app and titled a new page: The Anti-Trigger List.
It didn’t take long for that to backfire. A few weeks later, Clément informed me, with great satisfaction, that my list had officially become number 212 on his Trigger List. But I kept at it anyway, almost fuelled further by making it on his list. Mine is the inverse of his: instead of things that drive me mad, it’s a growing collection of particular things that make me happy; little reminders that the world, for all its nonsense, still knows how to be beautiful. Here are some examples:
No. 1. When public transportation drivers wave hi to each other when they pass by
No. 3. Baby green leaves at the beginning of spring
No. 7. When my dress has pockets
No. 15. When you check on one side of the street and there’s no traffic, then you turn your head and there’s no traffic on that side either, so you can cross the road in peace and no one has to wait
No. 21. When dogs make friends with other dogs on their walks
No. 26. When the oars of the Olympic rowers have their country flags on their paddles
No. 28. The little spot of dryness under a tree when it’s raining
No. 36. My mom’s blueberry cheesecake
It is a small list for now, but it is growing – quietly, in its own time, like those baby green leaves in spring. I can only thank Clément for inspiring me to start my own Anti-Trigger List, and for the endless entertainment his Trigger List has brought over the years. I still think he should make a book out of it, because every single item would be relatable to someone, somewhere.
I would love to hear what you would put on your Trigger or Anti-Trigger Lists! Leave a comment below, or message me through the Contact page and let me know.
Talks in Tan-dem 
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